Wednesday Woody

A cigarette and a penis were walking down the street. The cigarette said to the penis, "Hey, man, something really bad happened to me the other day! Someone pulled me out of my house, put my ass in his mouth, lit my hair on fire, and sucked air through my head. It hurt like hell!" The penis replied, "That's peanuts compared to what I have to go through every day! My boss puts me in a plastic bag, wraps his hand around me, and won't stop shaking me until I puke!"

Two construction workers were working the high beams. One was on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor needed a handsaw, but with all the construction noise, the other guy couldn't hear him. So the guy on the third floor decided to use hand signals. He pointed to his eye for "I," he pointed to his knee for "need," then moved his hands back and forth for "handsaw." The guy on the first floor dropped his pants and started masturbating. The guy on the third floor ran down to the first floor and said, "What the hell are you doing? All I wanted was a handsaw!" The guy on the first floor said, "I just wanted to tell you I was coming."

One day, a kid walks in on his brother and his girlfriend having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" and his brother replies, "I'm playing poker — she's the queen and I'm the king. The kid leaves, not knowing any better.

About a week later, the boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, "Dad, what are you doing?" and his father replies, "I'm playing poker — she's the queen and I'm the king." He leaves again, not knowing any better.

The next day, the boy's brother walks in on him masturbating and says, "What are you doing?" and the kid says, "I'm playing poker." "Where's the queen?" his brother asks, and the kid replies, "Why do I need a queen when I've got a hand like this?"

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

Fighter

Canadian indie-pop band The Habit has a message for Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper, don’t make Canadians fight for their right to marry, again.

The Habit has summed up their challenge to Mr Harper in the song Fighter, which they are releasing today in an internet-exclusive launch.

With lyrics like "Never said don’t do this with your life / with your wife / that’s not right", Fighter is a cri-de-coeur for the government to respect people’s right to love and commit to whoever they want.

Mr Harper has vowed to open up another parliamentary vote on same-sex marriage rights, even though Canada’s Parliament already voted to recognize same-sex marriage in July 2005.

"The right to marry is about equality for all Canadians. It’s a human rights issue. Why is Stephen Harper putting it back up for debate?" The Habit’s Darren Rogers said.

“Canada could be leading the way for other countries on this issue; instead, Harper is trying to pull the country back. We're asking him not to."

"Fighter is about the frustration of being told you can’t be who you are," said Mr Rogers.
The Habit had thought they could wait until the summer to release the song, when their upcoming album would be finished. However, with the Harper government confirming on April 5 that it plans to re-open the debate “sooner rather than later”, The Habit felt they had to speak up now.

Fighter is available for free download on The Habit’s website www.thehabit.ca, and at www.myspace.com/thehabitca. You can also view the lyrics to Fighter on the Web Site.

Tasty Tuesday

Diva Daiquiri Recipe
* 1 1/2 oz. Light Rum
* 1 tsp. Powdered Sugar
* Juice of 1 Lime

PREPARATION:
Shake ingredients with ice. Strain into cocktail glass. Garnish with lemon or lime wedge.

Frozen Daiquiri: Blend 1 1/2 oz. Light Rum, 1 tbsp. Triple Sec, 1 1/2 oz. Lime Juice, 1 tsp. Sugar and 1 cup Ice. Pour in cocktail glass.

Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri: Blend 1 oz. Light Rum, 1/2 oz. Strawberry Schnapps, 1 oz. Lime Juice, 1 tsp. Powdered Sugar, 1 oz. Fresh or Frozen Strawberries. Pour in cocktail glass. Garnish with cherry or strawberry.


Bold Gay Bloody Mary Recipe
* 1 1/2 oz. Vodka
* 3 oz. Tomato Juice
* 1 dash Lime Juice
* 1/2 tsp. Worcestershire Sauce
* 3 drops Tabasco Sauce
* Salt and Pepper

PREPARATION:
Shake ingredients in cocktail shaker. Pour into glass over ice cubes. Vary Tabasco sauce and salt and pepper to taste. Garnish with lemon or lime wedge and celery stick.


The Gay Fuel Mimosa Recipe
* 3 oz. Chilled Champagne
* 3 oz. Orange Juice

PREPARATION:
Pour chilled ingredients into champagne flute or wine glass. Do not add ice.


Smooth Gay Martini Recipe
* 1 1/2 oz. Gin or Vodka
* 1/4 oz. Dry Vermouth
* 1 cup Ice

PREPARATION:
Shaken: Shake gin or vodka, vermouth and ice in cocktail shaker. Be sure not to shake too hard or too long as to avoid excess water from melting ice. Stain into martini glass. Garnish with Lime peel, lemon, or olive.

Stirred: Pour gin or vodka and vermouth over ice cubes in mixing glass. Stir and strain in cocktail glass. Garnish with Lime peel, lemon, or olive.

Extra Dry: Use 2 oz. Gin/Vodka and 1/4 oz. Dry Vermouth. Follow directions above.

Sweet: Use 1 oz. Gin/Vodka and 1 oz. Sweet Vermouth. Follow directions above.

Medium: Use 1 1/2 oz. Gin/Vodka, 1/2 oz. Dry Vermouth, and 1/2 oz. Sweet Vermouth. Follow directions above.

Dirty: Use 1 1/2 oz. Gin/Vodka and 1/4 oz. Dry Vermouth. Add olive juice to taste. Follow directions above.


A Great Gay Mojito Recipe
* 1 1/2 oz. light rum
* 1 dozen fresh mint leaves
* 1/2 lime
* 7 oz. club soda
* 2 tbsp. simple syrup (or 4 tsp. sugar)
* 1 cup ice

PREPARATION:
Crush mint leaves, syrup (or sugar) and lime in tall glass. Fill glass with ice. Pour light rum over ice. Add club soda and stir. Garnish with mint leaves.

All the hot guys are gay

A star of a future episode of the hit drama Doctor Who claims that a gay kiss was dropped because it was a step too far.

Openly gay Andrew Hayden-Smith, the Children's BBC (CBBC) presenter who formerly stared in teenage soap opera, Byker Grove is to appear as a preacher fighting against an evil industry in the current series of the sci-fi revival.

He told Wales on Sunday that gay writer of Doctor Who, Russell T Davies wanted to include a gay kiss in the new series but decided against it out of fears it may upset the many fans of the show.

Hayden Smith who guest stars in an episode with current Doctor David Tennant and assistant Billie Piper said: "There's a line at the end that suggests my character is gay but it's not made clear. I think Russell was after a gay kiss but they couldn't push it that far!

"I was just pleased to work with Russell because I think he is great."


Actress Courtney Cox has avoided having her family’s private matters exposed in public, quite literally.

Her brother in law, transsexual Alexis Arquette, sibling of Cox’ husband, David Arquette, was set to have a sex change operation live on television.

The programme would have aired in the US under the title, Alexis Are-Cut.

Whilst David is reported to be supportive of his brother’s lifestyle, him and Cox were reluctant to appear on the show.

However, the programme has now been dropped after Alexis decided it would be inappropriate to film the operation and recovery process.

His sister, Rosanna, said: It's private. We all support him and wouldn't want him to be involved in any sort of circus act surrounding his decision."


Simple Life star Paris Hilton who split up with her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos says she'd rather have a gay boyfriend as they take more care in their appearance.

The star told Out magazine in America: "Gay guys are more fun and
they dress better and they're usually hotter.

"All the hot guys are gay."

Her co-star in the Simple Life, Nicole Richie recently found that her catchphrase "loves it" has been latched onto by the gay community and is often expressed by camp, young gay men in London.

Speedo Sunday

http://madeinbrazil.typepad.com/madeinbrazil/

HIT THE MAT GUYS

Windsor police officer killed

Windsor residents were stunned Friday after witnessing a daylight shootout in a residential neighbourhood that ended with a veteran plain-clothes police officer lying dead on a sidewalk and two teens in custody.

The victim was 37-year-old Const. John Atkinson, a 14-year veteran of the force and a father of a six-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son.

Atkinson was on duty when he spotted some suspicious men at a Mac's Milk convenience store and went into action, said Windsor Police Chief Glenn Stannard.

He was struck by a bullet but was able to return fire before the suspects ran off. Police later arrested two 18-year-old Windsor men; they have not yet been charged.

This is the first officer in the history of more than 120 years of the Windsor Police Service that an officer has been murdered.

The shooting unfolded before many witnesses, who were shocked by what they saw.

The owner of the Mac's Milk declined to comment on the shooting, saying she was worried for her life.

A store employee identified as Emma said she saw the two men in the parking lot when suddenly she heard gunfire.

"We heard gunshots and a guy was bleeding from his mouth, and then we were told he was a policeman,'' she said.

Dennis Rochon said he was sitting on his balcony in a nearby apartment building when he heard three loud shots, which he first thought was a car backfiring. He went outside to investigate and saw the victim covered in blood and lying on the sidewalk.

"There was no movement,'' he told the Windsor Star. "There was blood all over the place. It looked like he got shot in the throat and the side of the chest. You could tell he was dead.''

A man who identified himself only as Terry said after the shooting, the victim stumbled for three or four metres before collapsing.

"He tried to get up, and he fell again.''

Lloyd Menard, who was in the store at the time, said onlookers couldn't believe their eyes or their ears.

"At first, a couple of people thought they were just like poppers on the ground, but no, it was actually gunfire,'' he said. "My truck's got blood all over it, so those kids must have shot him right there.''

One local resident said people in the city will likely be shaken up as they are not used to gun violence, despite their proximity to the United States.

"This is very rare indeed for Windsor,'' said Patty Handysides of Windsor radio station CKLW. "Even though we are right across the river from Detroit, gun crime is low in Windsor, and certainly death by gun is very, very rare.''

At least eight elementary schools and one high school in the area were initially locked down in the shooting's aftermath, keeping as many as 3,400 students indoors. A nearby day-care centre was also put under lockdown.

By 5 p.m., all students were allowed to leave, although they were told not to walk home alone or stop and play, said Supt. Steve Snider of the Greater Essex County District School Board.

Nearby residents were also advised to remain in their homes.

Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty released a statement Friday night in praise of Atkinson and the work of all police officers.

"The loss of one of our officers is a tragedy for all of us. I don't know that there are words strong or eloquent enough to capture the courage it takes to put one's self in harm's way, in order to keep others safe,'' he said.

"Throughout the province, brave police officers work hard, long hours to keep us safe, to serve our communities and to help build a stronger Ontario.''

Friday Whitey

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sargeant announces,

"I ve got good news and bad news.

First the good news.

Today we are going to change our underwear."

The troops start cheering wildly.

"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge.

"Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."



There is a clothing store in Bartlesville. The owner has devised his own method of pricing items. A vest costs $20, socks cost $25, a tie costs $15 and a blouse costs $30. Using the method, how much would a pair of underwear cost?



Mr smith was always embarresed that his wife never wore underwear. One winter she caught a bad cold. So mr. Smith called the doctor. He said: My wife has a horrible cold and she has a horrible habbit of never wearing underwear. So when the doctor came to their house the doctor looked down her throat. He said: You should really start wearing underwear. So mrs smith said:If you can tell i’m not wearing underwear by looking down my throat, can you look up my asshole and tell me if my hat’s on straight?



A recent survey by under-garment giant, Fruit of the Loom, revealed some very disturbing facts about British men's habits when it comes to changing their underwear. The survey found that one in ten British men only bother to change their underpants once every two days!

Even more disturbing, is that fact that an estimated one million British guys only put on a clean pair of Y-fronts once every four days! Combine that with the fact that many Europeans only shower once or twice a month, (whether they need it or not), and one slowly starts to understand the full gravity of the situation. (And that's not even including those guys who 'go commando'). Yuk!

The sky is falling

A big newly discovered asteroid could collide with Earth in just over two years.

The 800 metre diamater asteroid would cause widespread devastation if it did hit the planet.

New Scientist says the odds of impact are just one in six million - but the asteroid, called 2006 HZ51, is the most likely to collide with Earth this century.

Dan Durda, an asteroid expert and president of the B612 Foundation, says the discovery of the asertoid - on April 27 - highlights how little time we might have to prepare.

"There really isn't a whole lot we could do," he told New Scientist. "Most of the options that don't resemble a Hollywood movie involve deflection techniques that require many years or decades."

Other than stockpiling food and supplies and evacuating the regions most likely to be affected, he said, we would have to "hunker down and take the impact".

However, it is likely we would have longer to prepare for a collision. The second-most imminent threat now on the list is the asteroid Apophis, which has about a 1-in-6000 chance of hitting Earth in 2036.

Vintage Thursday

THE TOMB of NIANKHKHNUM and KHNUMHOTEP



In 1964 in the ancient necropolis of Saqqara, Egyptian archaeologist Ahmed Moussa discovered
a series of tombs with rock-cut passages in the escarpment facing the causeway that lead to the pyramid of Unas.

Soon after the Chief Inspector Mounir Basta reported crawling on his hands and knees through the passages, entering one of the Old Kingdom tombs.

He was impressed with its unique scenes of two men in intimate embrace, something he had never seen before in all the Saqqara tombs.

Meanwhile archaeologists working on the restoration of the causeway of Unas discovered that some of the stone blocks that had been used to build the causeway had been appropriated in ancient times from the mastaba that had originally served as the entrance to this newly discovered tomb. The archaeologists reconstructed the mastaba using the inscribed blocks found in the substructure of the causeway.

It was revealed that this unique tomb had been built for two men to cohabit and that both shared identical titles in the palace of King Niuserre of the Fifth Dynasty: "OVERSEER OF THE MANICURISTS IN THE PALACE OF THE KING."

Tasty Tuesday

In that spirit, here are nine principles of queer food:


1. Few raw ingredients are queer in and of themselves. The basic components of the American kitchen—meats, vegetables, fruits, sugar, flour, spices, and so on—should all be assumed to be "straight." Queerness comes only after an effort has been applied, the food combined with other foods, or after the food is processed or transformed into something else.

Steak is the prototypical straight food. Its complete lack of artifice, its clear place in the food chain, keeps it straight. Even the most unkitchenly of eaters understands how steak is made. The same might be said for the baked potato. The baked potato is the rounded, feminine complement to the steak's dominant male presence. Steak and baked potato walk hand-in-hand, a straight couple.

When steak is served in an altered form, its dominant masculine role is subverted. Steak acquires a new name and a newfound sexual self-consciousness: I think of Steak Diane, skirt steak, "Bachelor" steak, and the like. Lesbian poet Elizabeth Bishop preferred meatballs to steak. "Steak is so lurid," she commented. Meatballs, in being made of "minced" meat, gesture toward queerness.


2. Contrary to popular belief, having a phallic shape doesn't make a food queer. A hot dog is not queer, even a foot-long hot dog. But pigs in a blanket are queer because they have been altered more than just in size. They have been dressed up to play a role—in this case, a freakish bit part in a Mississippi picnic.


3. It follows that all food pretending to be something else is food in drag. The "tofuburger," for example. Tofu is a fascinating substance because it takes on the qualities of whatever it is put with, whether in soup, sauces, or stir-fry. Tofu is a food that "passes."

4. Why have gays been called fruits? Fruits are completely natural, even necessary to our health and well-being. But since the time of the Dutch masters, fruit arrangements have been considered symbols of vanity and cultural decline. The abundance of like on like, of fruit marching together, seems threatening and decadent. Fruit is not expected to raise its collective voice. And yet what could be more benign than Carmen Miranda's hat, delightful in its cloying excess, in its insistent rainbow variety?

5. Queer food is camp food. Camp is about looking at old cultural relics with a contemporary sense of irony. There is camp film, furniture, and decoration. Why not camp food?


6. Many foods seem queer just by virtue of their names: Pineapple Betty, Green Goddess dressing, mock apple pie (made with Ritz crackers), and all puffs, tarts, crumpets, pavlovas, and charlottes. So are all flaming desserts, for obvious reasons: Cherries Jubilee, Bananas Foster, Crêpes Suzette. Madeleines are queer (thanks to the writings of Proust); so is Hasty Pudding (thanks to Harvard University's drag theatricals).

7. Some foods have always been queer. Twinkies, for example. You cannot "out" a Twinkie since it has never been in the closet. A Twinkie is to mainstream junk food what Liberace was to the 1950s: so obvious as to be beyond comment. Certain Twinkie-like junk foods are queer by proxy (Ding Dongs, Sno-Balls, Ho Ho's, Suzy Q's). But these are the exceptions that prove junk food's heterosexual rule. In general, junk food is earnest and unironic, with little to decode and no secrets to tell.



8. Some mass-produced foods have an added-on queerness, a patina acquired from the advertising campaigns of my childhood (the early 1970s). I think of Trix, Fig Newtons, Chiffon margarine, and Rice-a-Roni. There are many others. Although few gays or lesbians in their right minds would actually admit to eating these foods, they remain our culinary mascots.


9. One final queer creation: Lobster Thermidor. Just thinking about Lobster Thermidor makes me want to put on a powdered wig and a fake beauty spot. On the 9th of Thermidor (July 27, 1794), the French reign of terror ended with the fall of Robespierre and the Jacobins. Social and political life was immediately freer. Aristocrats came out of hiding. People began to splurge again. Lobster Thermidor therefore symbolizes any battle against puritanism, terror, and cultural straitjacketing. It is Stonewall food. It cures what ails us.

Notes on camp cuisine.
By David Mehnert

Tasty Tuesday

I found a cute blog today called men and recipes cooking with hunks great looking men with a splash of easy and interesting recipes.
What more could a gay man want.

Can't seem to upload right now so I will have to postpone the Tasty pics for right now.

I Really Do

Ho Hum

Sex with no partner is like playing cards alone. Your own hand beats you." — Michael Whitmire.



"Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes." — Dan Johnson.