Silly Little Sausage

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."



Rectum Stretcher

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"



Flaming Gerbils

Actual article from the LA Times, The editor's comments at the end are hilarious:

* * *

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. As usual Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon," our signal that he'd had enough.

I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, to try to see him. I thought the light might attract him and he'd come forward to where I could get him out.

At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and aflame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." "Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

* * *

Editor's Notes: Things in this story that scare me...

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum ...."

"So I peered into the tube ... " (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)

That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.

Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil's body being launched out of someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love."

People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their intestines.

People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to a hospital emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting this kind of truth. Call me old fashioned if you must, but I just cannot imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well, doc, it's like this. You see, we had this gerbil named Raggot, and we took a cardboard tube ... "

"First and second degree burns to the anus ...." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids seem like a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible smells on the face of God's green earth.

People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic man who insert rodent up his butt."

What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?



Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice... picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, nor to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.



Hands On Help

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...



"Cleanup, Register 5"